Avoidant Attachment: A Trauma Response and the Path to Healing
Attachment theory, proposed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the mid-20th century, has increased our understanding of human relationships. Central to this theory is the concept of attachment styles, which are patterns of relating to others that we develop early in life.
One of these styles, avoidant attachment, is often misunderstood. This particular attachment style is present in all people with narcissistic personality disorder however, not all avoidants are narcissists.
when examined closely, what we call avoidant attachment is truly just a trauma response. Understanding its roots in trauma can pave the way for healing and leading a more fulfilled life.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment is characterized by a strong desire for independence, often to the point of avoiding close emotional ties with others. People with this attachment style find it difficult to trust and rely on others.
Unfortunately because this Attachment style is really just a trauma response and not truly who the person desires to be, they tend to self Sabotage in order to prove their preconceived notions true. This creates cycles and patterns that will continue throughout the avoidants life if not dealt with and healed.
They struggle to express their feelings or understand the emotions of those around them. This makes close relationships very difficult.
They value their autonomy to the extent of feeling uncomfortable when others get too close and yet in their heart they desire interdependence and closeness; which makes them stuck in a never ending cycle of seeking an unattainable partner. They fear the very thing they so desperately desire… Intimacy. This pattern makes long term healthy relationships nearly impossible.
The Traumatic Roots
So, why do people develop avoidant attachment styles? It’s a response to early life traumas. These can include:
Inconsistent caregiving:
Growing up with caregivers who were unpredictable in their availability lead to a distrust of others.
Emotional neglect:
Children who didn’t receive emotional support learned to rely heavily on themselves, seeing others as unreliable.
Rejection:
Repeated experiences of being rebuffed when seeking comfort can lead to a decision, often unconscious, that it's safer not to seek out closeness at all or if they do seek it start to feel anxious that it is going to be taken away.
The Role of Defense Mechanisms
To cope with these traumatic experiences, children develop defense mechanisms, such as:
Suppression of needs:
Believing that their needs won't be met, they might downplay or ignore them altogether.
Disconnection or Dissociation:
They could detach from their feelings to avoid the pain of rejection or neglect.
Self-sufficiency:
In lieu of relying on inconsistent caregivers, they develop an exaggerated sense of unhealthy independence.
The Path to Healing
For those looking to heal their avoidant attachment and foster healthier relationships, several steps can be considered:
Self-awareness:
Recognizing one's avoidant behaviors is the first crucial step to change. It’s also important not to identify with this “attachment style” as it’s not truly who you are but instead a trauma response to a childhood riddled with emotional abuse.
Therapy: A therapist specializing in attachment issues can help navigate the complex feelings and behaviors associated with avoidant attachment.
Safe relationships: Cultivating relationships with emotionally available and understanding individuals can offer corrective experiences. This will be difficult because you will see your healthy partners ability to be vulnerable and available to you as a flaw and/or a threat. It’s important to communicate with them when you feel your avoidant trauma response surface so that you don’t subconsciously sabotage the relationship.
Mindfulness and meditation: These practices can help in reconnecting with suppressed emotions and needs. Recognizing when you are avoiding or dissociating in order to bring yourself back into the present moment is an important step to healing.
Educate oneself: Reading about attachment and trauma can provide insight and facilitate understanding.
Avoidant attachment is not just a quirk or a preference for solitude; it's a profound trauma response rooted in early life experiences.
Recognizing it as such is vital because it shifts the conversation from blame to understanding. With patience, support, and the right tools, healing is possible, allowing individuals to lead more connected, fulfilling lives.
This trauma attachment primes the sufferer to seek partners who are unhealthy for them and validate their wounds, essentially retraumatizing themselves.
It’s important to seek a partner who will hold you accountable while being willing to work with you as you learn how to shed a lifetime of trauma.
We are not our labels. We have a choice in who we want to be. If you need help learning more about attachments and the trauma that causes them in order to move past them and into your true self.. contact me at www.the5threalm.com